what a weekend i had. i am still processing and savoring it, but for a little blurb and a few pictures, check out the photoblog. i will write more on here soon…

movies i want to see:
-rachel getting married.
-28 days.
-slumdog millionaire.
-nick and norah’s infinite playlist.
-quantum of solace.
-vicky cristina barcelona.

artists i wish i could have in my living room right now:
-over the rhine.
-sufjan.
-crooked still.
-nickel creek.
-bradley hathaway.

non-profits i wish i could work for right now:
-children’s healing art project
-to write love on her arms
-heartsupport

things i am excited about doing:
-playing minigolf tomorrow with my sister.
-the weekend of april 17th: seeing evan for 3 1/2 days, including a night listening to mutemath
-seeing spring in ((hopefully soon))
-hearing back about my internship!

I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say-
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.
-”Words For It,” Julia Cameron

it is 70 degrees outside; i played in chacos and short sleeves all day, skin glistening in the surprising springlike sun. the above words spoke to me, touched my heart. i am going to think about them for a while…

so, i know a lot of people with a “list”…things to do before “x” happens. so i am starting one…not to conform, but to make sure i live a little. i will tag posts related to this endeavor with the word “list” so i can keep track of it all. so, here we go, in no order, the things i can think of so far that i want to do before i die:

-do a 5k.
-see the West Coast.
-go slacklining.
-kiss in the rain.
-sleep on the beach under the stars.
-make an A in a class at furman.
-have an art show.
-make a perfect cheesecake.
-have a dinner party.
-make a piece of pottery.
-develop film in a dark room.
-compete in a swing competition.

home. what a word. up until i was 17, home meant a little brick house or my family members. i mostly liked that definition of home, only regretting that it also included fighting and sorrow sometimes. when i was 17, i found a different home of sorts, my current church. i felt the emotions everyone uses to describe home there, and still do; i feel welcomed and watched over and loved. no matter which definition i used, all my homes were in greenville, and so venturing outside the area became a scary thing for me, even to the point of shutting down when it happened.

evan arrived last saturday to my house, the first college friend to come inside that little brick dwelling, and arguably, the one who i wanted most to like it and be liked by my family. they, of course, loved him already, but that had only been tested over very short periods; this was a lot longer. mario kart and home cooked meals and conversations (sometimes awkward) ensued with them on saturday, sunday, and monday, and they seemed to like him okay. but then tuesday came. we were supposed to go to charleston to see his family, his home, something i had never really gotten up the guts to do, and this time was no different; i let my fears convince me i did not want to go. so this led to an hour long conversation, tears on both ends, so much warring in my heart, but the pain i saw inflicted on him won: i agreed to try. if my family thought they liked evan before, they definitely liked him now. and about 4 hours later, i was in charleston, hanging out with 4 awesome individuals and the love of my life. over the next 2 1/2 days, we saw christmas lights, went downtown, i walked on my first pier, had some amazing food, played frisbee in weather entirely too cold, played more mario kart and rock band, saw his apartment, and had the privilege of seeing the amazing connection between evan and his family. i fell in love with his family and the city and the parts i had not yet seen of the man i already loved. and now we are back at my house, experiencing board games and great food and contra dancing that made us dizzy in each others’ arms.

so what does this have to do with the idea of home? lots. while there were most definitely hard moments, scary moments, so so much stretching done over the past 8 days, i would not trade any of it for the world or money or the comfort i thought i would have here. i have added another definition to “home,” but it is not subsurvient to the others…evan is home. while he is not in greenville, parts of him are. while he is not part of my nuclear family, i hear he would like to change that. he is a part of redeemer, even being 300 miles away every sunday. the old adage is “home is where the heart is,” and my heart is with him.

in 2008…
did you go to a party? a few.
did you try something new? contra dancing. long distance relationships….i am sure i will think of more later.
did someone change your life? evan.
did you kiss someone?
did you tell you friends and family that you love them? probably not enough.
did you buy something extravagant? a nice skirt…
did you do something nice for you? see previous answer.
did you do something terribly wrong? im sure.
did you move? to and from school a few times, but not really.
did you go to a concert? YES.

best of the year
party: umm…we’ll go with laura and lindley’s “new best friend” party
tv show: the office, secret life of the american teenager
cd: welcome wagon, identity by MADCRASHER
movie: WALL-E
song: not a fair question.
experience: umm…ive had some pretty awesome ones. meeting claire at the airport, contra dancing, sitting with evan in about a million places, going to asheville with evan…
concert: between the trees/nevertheless
book: um…the irresistable revolution was good…or what parts i read of it
month: august was pretty boss.
day: uhhh…november 15th was really good. asheville with evan…

worst of the year
party: tke was kind of not fun.
tv show: hannah montana
cd: all the ones i got were pretty good…
movie: twilight kind of sucked.
song: aye bay bay
experience: there were a few.
concert: um….none!
book: the box.
month: february?
day: june 15th.

hopes for 2009
what do you predict will happen in 2009? a lot.
what do you hope changes about your country? the economy. bailout should be a bad word.
what do you hope for yourself? courage and rest
what do you hope for your family? peace
what do you hope for your best friend? (e) happiness, courage, and direction. (l) direction, contentment, and a wicked awesome boyfriend.

during 2008…
where were you when it began? my house.
did you stay up? barely.
what was your new years wish? happiness
how many boyfriends did you have? just one
did you break up with anyone? nope
did you have any crushes? i mean…it’s me.
care to mention names? evan <3
did you have to say goodbye? ugh. lindley to france, everyone for summer break, claire to china, evan basically every visit.
did you miss anyone? the love of my life doesnt live here. duh, i missed someone.
did you win anything? yes
what was the best place you went to? asheville!
what was the worst place you went to? umm…i dont know.
what was your happiest moment? walking around with evan in asheville, enjoying his company and the light rain and the mountains…
how was your birthday? it was great; celebrated with the people i like a lot.
what was the best present you received? a very special first.

january: snow day!, viennese ball, fun secret date with lindley, donna and drew got *engaged*,
february: dbpi phormal, first outing with *evan*
march: co women’s retreat, first tree climbing experience
april: drew and donna got married!, military ball
may: graduation, lots of dancing, moving back home
june: starting the epic fb message with evan, starting luna rosa
july: contra dancing
august: columbia, hello dtr, turning 19, sophomore year
september: my tie, gloves and sarah get hitched, epic convo with the boy, ultimate tourney, ruf retreat
october: homecoming weekend, halloween
november: identity photoshoot, wedding with evan in clemson, thanksgiving
december: futones concert, evan’s bday, evan’s visit (coming soon!)

yesterday, while walking through my hall on the way to the shower, a thought hit me.

i am beautiful.

it wasn’t a super long period where i felt this way, but for those brief moments, it was a gorgeous gift. i think it was God reminding me. if you know me, you know this thought, this feeling, this reassurance is not the norm. i do not usually feel very spectacular, but the few scarce moments when i remember the Creator of the Universe thinks i am breathtaking are really special.

1. if i was a boy, i would have a monthly facial hair designation. Jesus January, Fu Man Chu February, etc.
2. there are several evils pillaging furman students this week, mainly stomach bugs and allergies and exams. i hope to avoid as much of them as possible.
3. i have made the switch to firefox. it is way faster.

we are on my territory, a welcome respite from the code red state you constantly send me into when we are close enough to touch. the music starts, weaving its way through my veins, filling my every sense as I wait for you to catch the same whiff of melody. those around us speak my language already, conversing, all connected and yet somehow, different dialects emerge. but form now, their conversations are all faded, out of focus, while you are dizzily crisp in my vision. a hint of recognition-you start to guide us, navigating and weaving through the sea of bodies. you translate my tongue into your own: rock steps becoming arrows, and we are speaking the same words, our bodies synching. i can feel your heart beating in your palms; it is the rhythm of skipping through an open meadow; i wonder if you know i am skipping too. you twirl me once, and as i catch you icy blue eyes, i am frozen and yet warm, dizzy at the contradictions. you are silent but full of questions-seeking something , but what? my praise? my adoration? it was yours the first time my gaze caressed your sweet frame. so just be with me right now-breathe our shared air, our loose connection charged with fear and excitement, dancing towards the unseen dawn.

three and a half years ago today, i cut myself for the last time. i would love to say that was the last time i desecrated the temple the Lord has given me, but that would not be the truth. i would also love to say that april 18th, 2005 was the last time i ever thought about cutting. it wasnt. but the Lord has done an amazing work in me, and promises to see it to completion. what a sweet promise.